I’m tired, although I slept very good last night. I keep having dreams of thunderstorms and an old friend, whom I haven’t seen in years, but loves visiting me when I’m asleep. Don’t they have websites that explain what dreams mean; I’ll look into it.
I’ve been searching for answers to questions I think I want to ask myself. When you’re shut out from answers, it only grows the desire to find them, which takes a lot of energy out of you. I want to know why I’ve been shut out; maybe it’s the complexities of being an adult.
I thought being an adult meant things got easier; you would tell a girl you liked her and she’d say she likes you back or you go to work, get paid, and live without boundaries. That was the wrong idea. Adults play games when it comes to love; it’s hide and seek or just hide and leave me the hell alone. With work comes bills and compromises because you can’t do whatever you want all the time and have money left in your pocket or a job.
I look at my mother, who has adult children, yet they’re wearing on her worse now than when they were kids. I met a couple, aged 65, and when I asked what they were doing, they said; “We’re trying to figure that out. Even at 65, people still don’t know what we’re doing or where we’re going.”
Maybe it’s something that was ingrained in me as a child; the pressure to grow up, settle down, and have a career. When life doesn’t adhere to that, then the questions arise; why haven’t I done any of that? Is there something wrong with me? We all want to live free, yet hold ourselves back by these restrictions.
I focus on the answers, but could it be the questions? If the questions aren’t relevant to me, then I’m obviously not going to find the right answers. Perhaps there are no right answers. I wrote about the need for control the other day. I’m trying to control my feelings towards the idea of what living the right way means, when I should relax and let the universe figure it out for me.
It is a beautiful day; bright and warm with no humidity. I’m going to take a relaxing walk by the river, forget life’s questions for a time, and count all of the things I can be grateful for. The answers are within all of them.