You Lost that Loving Feeling

“Don’t ever get married, trust me. There’s too much fun to be had.”

I hear that a lot from older people and they’ll say it enviously, apparently getting married at a young age is a huge mistake and they never forgave themselves for it.

I’ll tell them that I look forward to settling down and starting that new chapter of my life.

Husband: “Yeah, but you’ll never have sex again.”

Wife: “Don’t, they just give up and let themselves go, and then you haven’t done it in years.”

Ohh so that’s what this is about, I get it.

How is it that when couples’ relationships age, the passion and intimacy dwindles? This isn’t an issue that older adults deal with because I hear the same complaints from many young adults in similar situations.

It is being selfish and pointing blame. When you want it and don't get it, then you question the point of being in the relationship because you can get it elsewhere. I guarantee every person that has ever told me to never get married because of lack of sex would never believe it was their fault, only their partner's.

It takes work to keep the fire going, so what does it take to keep a relationship's intimacy successful?

Communicate. Many issues stem from not talking to each other. When someone is in the mood, usually the other isn’t, so it takes some persuading to get them on your side, which in itself is a chore and if declined leads to resentment.

Instead of throwing a hail mary before bed, work on it throughout the day. Send a text telling them how much you miss them. Compliment on how your partner looks; hair, eyes, style, set it up so that they feel sexy and will want to flaunt it.

Discuss the lack of passion, ask them how they feel about it and what can be done to make them comfortable. Be very careful not to blame, that’s the last thing you need to do, characterize it as an open issue that can be fixed together.

Sometimes it’s embarrassment of their desires. Talk to your partner about what they want out of intimacy and make it happen. Be sure to ease into things, it’s all about comfort and not being judged for their inner desires.

Change the routine. We work forty plus hours a week, we come home, have dinner, watch television, read our phones and then go to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. Weekend comes and we want our alone time since we’ve been working all week. A relationship isn’t two individuals, but one unit. A lot of people will want that alone time, which is fine sometimes, but it alienates our partners.

Involve each other in what you’re doing. If it’s outdoors, then go hiking together. Complete house projects as a team. Doing different tasks together will show you in a different light to your partner and it stirs passion that you’re on the same winning team, which will resonate elsewhere in the relationship.

Break up. Maybe the damage has already been done and can’t be fixed. If they’re set in their ways or therapy isn’t helping, then it might be time to end it. The worst thing I see is people that cheat on their partners for lack of intimacy.

It’s pathetic, dangerous due to STD’s, and betraying. I’ll always tell a person if it’s that bad then leave, fix yourself, then go find someone who believes in intimacy the same way you do, just don’t cheat.

Intimacy takes effort like anything else in relationships. If you don’t work on it then it will disappear and you won’t know where to find it. If you keep practicing at it, you’ll be telling younger people that it only gets better, the longer you’re together.