I’ve had a rough couple days.
I was upset over things that I couldn’t control; other people’s actions. I felt like I’m working this hard and it might be all in vain. When I think that I’m wasting my time, I become mad. We have one life to live; I can’t be taking time for granted since it’s running out for all of us.
I stewed all day over the anger, in fact it was Sunday and Monday. I wouldn’t let go of it. I tried to rationalize why someone would not be in the best interests of themselves by doing the right thing. You can’t rationalize people doing harmful things, it’s impossible.
This anger was like a hangover from drinking. I tried a long run, but when I got home, it was still there. Other activities included; a massage, working out, and meditating, all of which didn't help me chill out.
It was a bit ironic that I publish self-improvement writings on helping people overcome anger and control issues, yet I wasn’t taking my own advice, even after reading the posts I’ve done.
As yesterday morning arrived, I realized why I was so mad. I wasn’t angry at the person, but at myself for allowing me to be played like a fool. I still battle issues with forgiving myself over making mistakes, like anyone is perfect. This was something else though, how many times can a bear be poked until they get angry?
I focused on forgiving myself for being played. I swore to myself that from now on, I will choose myself (read: James Altucher) and make the best life decisions for me, not others. I love helping people, but when acts of kindness become energy sucking vampires, then it’s time to move on.
Reflecting over the past couple days, the negative effects of anger are real and debilitating. My brain was useless; I couldn’t write a post for Monday, even after outlining it on Sunday. I had no motivation to work, ideas weren’t appearing, it’s like there’s an off switch with no way of turning the power back on. I wanted to be in bed all day.
I talked to someone about the situation and it made me feel better. I couldn’t confront the person I was mad at because I know that I would’ve said something mean and I don’t want to continue the cycle of anger through other people then back onto myself. As they say, hurt people hurt people.
What I’ve taken from this is that we all have days when people piss us off. It’s ok, sometimes we need to feel that anger to do a self-checkup and see what changes we need to make. In my case, I was putting off this change for so long that it finally caught up to me and exploded.
I’m gonna go for another run now, but it’ll be along the river instead of away from my feelings.